Anyway, in my attempt to escape a word of never-ending baby pictures and reminders of where I'm not going in life, I have set up a system that involves a few close friends who I consider safe. These are friends who aren't going to show up pregnant any day soon or bring over a bouncing bundle of snot. Friends who don't ask me when we're having kids and who aren't on a page to do it themselves. I have enveloped myself in this tiny safe world. I'm comfortable here. There isn't an emotional roller coaster. At best, it's an emotional boat ride.
…but the boat ride is like "A Small World." It's slow and isn't likely to make anyone upset, but FUCK does it get boring and WAY annoying at times.
But I digress.
Anyway, the tranquility of my safe world has been shattered a little. A friend mentioned in passing that another friend (also one of my safe people) was trying to get pregnant. In my safe little world, it never occurred to me that this would come up. I set this thing up so well! These were the people who have ovaries that are closed for business! Some have never even been open!
How dare people let their plans change? It's really cramping my naive style.
My safe place just doesn't feel safe anymore. It's cracking. Soon, it will be flooded with a deluge of things for which I am not prepared. And I won't be unprepared because I didn't have enough time. I will feel abandoned and exposed because instead of facing the fact that it was getting harder to be around people and address the ever growing crack in my heart, I went farther back in.
I have a few people in my life aside from family. A few. I had more, but they were all happy people and couldn't understand what this felt like.
Now that I'm so far inside, I don't know how I get out without being my least favorite thing in the world: vulnerable.
My safe place isn't safe anymore.
And I'm not ready.
Maybe I should have been a Doomsday prepper. They're ready for anything.
As always, it's hip to be square (and unprepared!), kids.