Monday, November 17, 2014

Hit Hard And Often

We all know that I'm a bad person. That's a given. I mean, I'm a nice bad person, but I'm basically a bad person. Anyway, a long time ago, I decided that I couldn't handle so many happy families and families-to-be on my Facebook, so after canning it all together for a while, I went through and hid basically every single person who has babies or wants babies or has ovaries or whatever. I still love them, but I'm not a good enough person to be happy for their working ovaries.

Anyway, I got one of those requests to "like" a page from a person that I hid, and I ignored it for a while. She is one of the happy-with-a-child people who make my heart hurt, so I didn't want to pay attention to it. Curiosity got the best of me, and eventually I clicked on the link and realized it was a page to support some disease research. "Aw, man. I hope she isn't sick," I thought to myself.

So I clicked over to her page.

She isn't sick. Her baby, who was under a year old, was sick. Her sweet baby, who I was totally and uncontrollably jealous of, died a few days ago of an incurable disease. It came quickly, and she left quickly.

I could not handle it. I could not, by any stretch of the imagination, handle it. I went into instant hysterics, and I hurt for her, and I missed a child I had never met.

The world is mean, and when you're in a crazy, self-pity spiral, it's easy to forget that it's mean to everyone at some point. I can't figure out how to deal with the abundance of emotions that have sprung up from a weekend of having this on my brain. I'd happily (sort of?) keep it on my mind for a while if it could relieve some of their hurt, but I know it doesn't work like that. I haven't lost a child that I've fallen instantly in love with, but I do know what it feels like to have your life feel different in an instant. I know the feeling of heartbreak when you feel like your future will never be what you pictured. I know what it feels like to have parenthood snatched out from under you. And I know that I don't want anyone to have to feel this way because I would do anything to never feel this way.

A sweet baby is gone, her parents are struggling, and I'm the innocent bystander who may be taking it all way too much to heart. I don't know how to feel all of this correctly. I don't know how to organize this in to a way that makes sense. I don't have these skills.

I had been banking on never needing these skills.

I'm out of skills.

Today, I'm not sure that it's hip to be square.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Not All Bad Days

I feel like I only ever think to write when the days are crappy, and I've decided that that is no bueno. Not every day sucks, and, in fact, a lot of them are great. Things are so much different now than they were a few months ago, and that's pretty strange to get used to.

Our house has walls. WALLS. The concrete blocks are up, and there is plumbing laid but not connected to anything. I can see where my garage is going to be, and how big the backyard is. While just in concrete, it looks really small, but it's not. The optical illusion is pretty crazy though. 

That house will be ours in February. Then, it's just a matter of moving in and getting settled. Right now, we're pretty well settled (though still trying to find our way) into the mostly unused upstairs of my mother's house. It's a pretty good place up here. The rooms aren't huge, but we're surviving. We have all three dogs with us, and my brother's dog makes an appearance. 

For now, we're all getting along and trying to be helpful. Hopefully, that stays the same. It should. We've been here a month without any major problem. That's a pretty good sign, right?

So, yeah, that's a good check in because I feel like this space needed it. Not everything is bad or unfortunate. It just feels like it sometimes.

As always, it's hip to be square [and surviving!], kids. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Turning Inward

I got invited to your child's birthday party, but I declined.

I am beckoned to congratulate you on baby number three, but I'm staying away. 

I got asked when we're having children, and husband jumped in and weaseled our way out of it.

I'm turning inward because that's the only place that feels right. 

And I'm done feeling like a bad person for it. 

I feel bad enough about all of this that I won't feel bad for doing what I need to do to get my life back in order after these years that have ripped me apart and shaken everything that I thought was a given in life. 

There are things that good people do, and I'm not doing them. 

I'm refusing to believe that makes me a bad person.

I'm also done caring about how my reactions to your news affect my status in The Universe.

I'm done wanting to be a better person who handles this better than I have. 

You know what? I haven't cried in public. I haven't told anyone to fuck off when they shared more good news that made me hurt inside. I haven't hurt anyone's feelings. I haven't made my burden anyone else's. I haven't cried myself to sleep every night. I haven't tried to change anyone else.

I think that's handling the damn thing.

I've turned inward because it's comfortable here, and I'm so fucking tired of being uncomfortable. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what life is going to be like without all of the things that we have dreamed out. None of that is comfortable, and none of it ever ends.

And I'm sorry that I still don't want to hear your good news.

Wait. I'm not. 

I'm not sorry. I feel like I should be sorry, but I'm not. 

I'm just not there yet.

Sorry, I'm not sorry. 

If you need me, I'll be inside.

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.

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