Monday, July 21, 2014

My Safe Place Isn't Safe Anymore

I'm not good about facing what's bothering me. I never have been. I try to get away from it for as long as I can. The good news to that is that I have a short attention span so that by the time I get back to it, it's usually not bugging me anymore. The bad news is that it doesn't always work. I'm working on the fact that it doesn't work and trying to manage things a little more up front, but it's hard to tell a person who tries to survive on logic that voluntarily going the emotional way is the best way-- especially when it seems to work out the same a lot of times.

Anyway, in my attempt to escape a word of never-ending baby pictures and reminders of where I'm not going in life, I have set up a system that involves a few close friends who I consider safe. These are friends who aren't going to show up pregnant any day soon or bring over a bouncing bundle of snot. Friends who don't ask me when we're having kids and who aren't on a page to do it themselves. I have enveloped myself in this tiny safe world. I'm comfortable here. There isn't an emotional roller coaster. At best, it's an emotional boat ride.

…but the boat ride is like "A Small World." It's slow and isn't likely to make anyone upset, but FUCK does it get boring and WAY annoying at times. 

But I digress. 

Anyway, the tranquility of my safe world has been shattered a little. A friend mentioned in passing that another friend (also one of my safe people) was trying to get pregnant. In my safe little world, it never occurred to me that this would come up. I set this thing up so well! These were the people who have ovaries that are closed for business! Some have never even been open!

How dare people let their plans change? It's really cramping my naive style. 

My safe place just doesn't feel safe anymore. It's cracking. Soon, it will be flooded with a deluge of things for which I am not prepared. And I won't be unprepared because I didn't have enough time. I will feel abandoned and exposed because instead of facing the fact that it was getting harder to be around people and address the ever growing crack in my heart, I went farther back in. 

I have a few people in my life aside from family. A few. I had more, but they were all happy people and couldn't understand what this felt like. 

Now that I'm so far inside, I don't know how I get out without being my least favorite thing in the world: vulnerable. 

My safe place isn't safe anymore. 

And I'm not ready. 

Maybe I should have been a Doomsday prepper. They're ready for anything.

As always, it's hip to be square (and unprepared!), kids.

Friday, June 27, 2014

The Date Is Set

The date is set.

My sister-in-law-- my husband's twin--is not only engaged as of April but getting married on August 31.

This means I have just over 2 months to get over myself enough to get through the whole thing with a smile and without any tears.

It means I have, like, three months until the phone call where we find out they're pregnant.

Because the Universe is both great and cruel like that. It just depends on what side you're on. Currently? I'm on both. I'm not flexible, so it makes my thighs hurt.

My 35-year-old sister-in-law is going to waste zero time in the baby making department.

And, mother fucker, that is going to be all kinds of a roller coaster.

So, I guess the self-indulgence stops now.

...or in a few minutes.


Ok. Minutes.

I promise.

I think.

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014


I had a little bit of a hissy last night.

Ok, a lot of a hissy.

Cause, just... WHAT THE FUCK?

I use an app, PinkPad, for tracking fertility. I downloaded it and starting charting more than a year ago. I didn't start using it until I got an inkling from The Universe that I needed some more information to figure out why the baby making wasn't working. If we had accidentally or quickly gotten pregnant, I wouldn't have needed the app. Furthermore, if we already were pregnant, I wouldn't be logging in to the dumb thing anymore.

Imagine my surprise when I touched the icon for the app to be faced with an invitation to buy their new baby naming app!


There is a fairly good chance that people who are using your app aren't at the baby naming stage yet. There's also a very good chance that your notification that there is a baby naming app that your users DON'T NEED is pouring salt on a very open wound.

Yes, people who are charting fertility might eventually need baby names, but if they're actively using your app, they don't. BECAUSE SCIENCE.

I was fuming. I think I'm still fuming. I think I'm going to find another app.

Clearly, the minds behind Pink Pad have never actually dealt with infertility or the twisted way that every little thing affects people who are dealing with it. Instead, they go with the SEX MEANS BABIES MEANS PEOPLE WILL SPEND MONEY ON STUPID THINGS FOR BABIES AND NO ONE EVER SAD FACES.

Yeah, right.

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.

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