Monday, April 21, 2014

Autoerotic AsphyWHAAAA????

As my readers (all 2 of you) know, my dad and I are very close and talk about really weird things. I assumed that I knew basically everything about him at this point in my life. There isn't much that is off limits. I know that he almost shot a guard when he was in Vietnam, so he stopped carrying his sidearm because he figured he was more dangerous to people he knew with it. I know that he dated a woman for 5 years when he was young, and she is still angry at him 50 years later for not marrying her. I know that his actual goal in life was to be a physicist and he had to give up on it when he couldn't pass Optics in 1957. I know that his family has a lot of bizarre and probably crazy people in it, and that he is one of them. I know that when he couldn't handle Optics, he decided to "settle" for being a doctor and then a psychiatrist. 

I did not know the following. 

We were talking about random things at lunch today, and somehow Danny Trejo came up. I said that I always get him confused with "Kung Foo Fighting" because I can never remember that actor's name. My brother pointed out that I was talking about David Carradine, and that reminded me that David Carradine died during autoerotic asphyxiation. 

When I said that, I imagined my 76-year-old father would say something along the lines of, "NOOOOO SHIT!" or "Ew. That's not a fun way to die." 

Instead, he said, "Really? People don't often die that way." 

I paused. 

"Uh. How do you know?" I asked while entirely terrified of the answer.

"Oh," he said. "I presented a paper at a national forensic sciences conference about a guy who died while attempting autoerotic strangulation. He was watching a video while he did it, so I got ahold of the video and edited it down to be presented with the paper," he said matter-of-factly. "The paper was published in some national journals, and we did a whole presentation on it during the sexual perversions part of the conference."


I started laughing, but I think I wanted to cry. I mean, I know I wanted to cry. In fact, I may have been crying. 

"So let me get this straight," I said to him knowing that I would regret it. "You were, at one point, an expert on autoerotic asphyxiation?"


"Well, I guess I would still be considered one." 

He paused. 

"I mean, I never tried it." 


My father, my best friend, the person who I am most like in the whole entire fucking world is an expert on WHAT?!



What number do I dial to get a lobotomy?

It's hip to be square, kids… I think.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Someone Tell Him

Can someone tell my husband that I'm not crazy?

Or, better yet, tell him that I am, and that he just has to deal?

We had a really nice lunch. We were talking about options and next steps and how we handle things from here on out. We were being productive.

Then he says, "Well, how are you going to react if my sister gets pregnant before we do?"

And it just shook the foundation of everything that I have been working so hard on. It rattled me to my core and now I just can't keep it together.

How am I going to react?

How am I going to fucking react?

I'm going to be furious. Not at her, but at the universe. I'm going to be angry in that always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride-and-fuck-you-for-not-dealing-with-infertility way. I'm going to want to smash things and scream at the Universe that I get to live through daily torture and she gets to get married and get knocked up right away. I'm going to hate the world more than I do now.

I'm going to hate the world more than I do now.

And that's awful. And I know it's awful and I feel like the worst person for even having thoughts about being mistreated or not having enough in life. I have everything I could want. 

Except, you know, the one thing that I actually want. 

She's older than I am. Substantially. She has had a rocky, on-and-off relationship with her not-quite-fiancé who will probably soon be her fiancé. She deserves to be happy just as much as everyone else does.

And knowing all of that, and knowing that life isn't fair, and knowing that things are hard and that I'm not special, I am still a sobbing mess because it just never occurred to me that that would happen. And now it almost seems like a certainty.

And I just can't.

Husband doesn't get it and keeps reminding me to find the positive and be thankful for what we have because he's going through it to and he's not getting enough support in it. And he's completely and totally right. I'm being totally selfish and self-serving and I can't hate everyone who gets good news while we continue to wait.

I mean, I shouldn't.

It's not stopping me though.

It's just where I am right now. And nothing seems to be getting me through it any faster. I'm sorry for that, and I'm sorry that it's not who you want me to be, but it's where I am right now. If I could be anywhere else, mentally or physically, I would be. 

But this is where I am right now.

So, I guess I'll see you there.

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

A Little Bit Liberating

This is the week that I would normally obsessively be peeing on sticks and praying to whoever would listen for two freaking lines.


Not one.


And squinting hoping that the smaller my eyes get, the more that white space will start to have some kind of shadow on it that could be mistaken for a second time.

And giving myself a headache by squinting.

But I'm not because we didn't try to do anything this month. The bad news came and went and we decided that we can't add extra variable and stress to it. For a bit, we just have to let it be what it is. For a little while, we can't do anything other than just let it exist.

So we existed and took the month off.

And while I thought I would feel like a failure, I really just feel fine. I'm not back to expecting the normal rather than begging for miracles. The normal is okay because it isn't a failure of any kind. You miss 100 percent of the shots that you don't take, right? So we missed this one. That's cool. Same number of points on the scoreboard as when we started.


It's the typically dreaded time of the cycle and I'm not dreading it. I'm not dreading anything.

I didn't fail because we didn't try.

And that's a way better feeling than trying to explain what it's like to have your own vital organs working against everything you want.

So, yeah.

This is a good thing.

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.

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