Friday, April 18, 2014

Someone Tell Him

Can someone tell my husband that I'm not crazy?

Or, better yet, tell him that I am, and that he just has to deal?

We had a really nice lunch. We were talking about options and next steps and how we handle things from here on out. We were being productive.

Then he says, "Well, how are you going to react if my sister gets pregnant before we do?"

And it just shook the foundation of everything that I have been working so hard on. It rattled me to my core and now I just can't keep it together.

How am I going to react?

How am I going to fucking react?

I'm going to be furious. Not at her, but at the universe. I'm going to be angry in that always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride-and-fuck-you-for-not-dealing-with-infertility way. I'm going to want to smash things and scream at the Universe that I get to live through daily torture and she gets to get married and get knocked up right away. I'm going to hate the world more than I do now.

I'm going to hate the world more than I do now.

And that's awful. And I know it's awful and I feel like the worst person for even having thoughts about being mistreated or not having enough in life. I have everything I could want. 

Except, you know, the one thing that I actually want. 

She's older than I am. Substantially. She has had a rocky, on-and-off relationship with her not-quite-fiancé who will probably soon be her fiancé. She deserves to be happy just as much as everyone else does.

And knowing all of that, and knowing that life isn't fair, and knowing that things are hard and that I'm not special, I am still a sobbing mess because it just never occurred to me that that would happen. And now it almost seems like a certainty.

And I just can't.

Husband doesn't get it and keeps reminding me to find the positive and be thankful for what we have because he's going through it to and he's not getting enough support in it. And he's completely and totally right. I'm being totally selfish and self-serving and I can't hate everyone who gets good news while we continue to wait.

I mean, I shouldn't.

It's not stopping me though.

It's just where I am right now. And nothing seems to be getting me through it any faster. I'm sorry for that, and I'm sorry that it's not who you want me to be, but it's where I am right now. If I could be anywhere else, mentally or physically, I would be. 

But this is where I am right now.

So, I guess I'll see you there.

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

A Little Bit Liberating

This is the week that I would normally obsessively be peeing on sticks and praying to whoever would listen for two freaking lines.


Not one.


And squinting hoping that the smaller my eyes get, the more that white space will start to have some kind of shadow on it that could be mistaken for a second time.

And giving myself a headache by squinting.

But I'm not because we didn't try to do anything this month. The bad news came and went and we decided that we can't add extra variable and stress to it. For a bit, we just have to let it be what it is. For a little while, we can't do anything other than just let it exist.

So we existed and took the month off.

And while I thought I would feel like a failure, I really just feel fine. I'm not back to expecting the normal rather than begging for miracles. The normal is okay because it isn't a failure of any kind. You miss 100 percent of the shots that you don't take, right? So we missed this one. That's cool. Same number of points on the scoreboard as when we started.


It's the typically dreaded time of the cycle and I'm not dreading it. I'm not dreading anything.

I didn't fail because we didn't try.

And that's a way better feeling than trying to explain what it's like to have your own vital organs working against everything you want.

So, yeah.

This is a good thing.

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

New Normal

I don't spend that much time sad or angry anymore.

It has gotten a lot better in the last few weeks. I think I'm just too busy to spend any time getting upset over things that I'm not in control of, and that is a blessing beyond my comprehension. It's just time to get used to these new words and new things and new idea of the future. I can't be controlled by it anymore.

The only time I really struggle exists entirely in my mind because it hasn't happened yet and very well might never happen.

I just have this image of running in to a friend or loved one and getting asked that question that I dread every moment of my life. It's in my nature to be honest, but I have kept this so private and hidden. As far as my friends and family no, I have no interest in children any time soon. I was hoping it would just be a happy surprise for them.

I'm sure I'll go back to the answer that I have been giving for three years now. I'll tell them that puppies are way easier than kids because you can put puppies in boxes when you leave the house and no one gets angry at you. I never actually answer the question. I don't have it. It's none of their business.

I just know that eventually someone is going to ask at the wrong or unplanned moment and I won't be able to continue my normal assholistic, self-serving, kids-are-lame attitude for a fleeting moment. I don't want to answer questions. I don't want sympathetic glances. I don't want people to grab my hand or hug me.

So that moment? The thought of that moment that might never happen? That still brings the tears and the anxiety because I just don't want it. I can live my normal life now without all of the ups and downs. I just can't imagine surviving that moment even one more time.

And it will happen. And I will survive it. And I'll die a little more inside every time I think about how the goings-on of my ovaries are none of your business, compassionate acquaintance or even good friend.

But to answer the question you didn't ask, Internet, that's what I'm still struggling with at this moment.

It's hip to be square, kids.

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