For about a thousand reasons, the chances of getting pregnant up until now have been slim to none. Life hasn't been ready to allow it, and we've been biding our time waiting for it to be a better time while fully acknowledging that life doesn't slow down and signal that it's time to create chaos.
We weren't actively trying even though we swore we would, but I certainly couldn't get the baby thoughts off my brain. They were constant. Making one, having one, raising one, disagreeing about one. If I were one of my patients, I probably would have asked Doc to medicate me, but it's never that simple when it's you. I'm trying to find a way to make this work and happen because there are moments when I feel like there will be nothing else if not this. Nothing.
Anyway, with all of this obsessing, it was thrilling to feel like we may just be the tiniest bit in control of this. My body coordinated with our schedules coordinated with our level of exhaustion and BAM. All of a sudden, there's a chance. Obviously, it will be a while before we know if anything happened and statistically, it's not exactly likely, but the chance is still there. I was happy. I was excited.
I WAS FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT.
All of a sudden, this shit is real. All of a sudden, there's no going back. Is this really what I want? Am I excited about the reality or about the idea? Am I going to regret this decision? Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
This is the last thing that I expected. This is not the reaction that I though I would have. Oh. My. Bob. What am I getting myself into?
As always, it's hip to be square (and OH SHIT), kids.