Monday, March 24, 2014

Do Me This One Favor

If I leave one impact on society, I will be more than happy for it to be this:

As a planet, can we please stop asking  married-without-children acquaintances when they're going to make babies?

It's an innocent question. It may even be a logical question. Lots of people get married and have babies. But similar to asking a woman who isn't pregnant when she's due, asking one who isn't pregnant when she's going to be could be pouring salt on a very open wound.

Maybe they don't want to have kids.

Maybe they haven't decided when they want kids.

Maybe they differ on how kids should be raised, and so they're waiting to grow as a couple before bringing a baby in to the world

Or maybe they've been trying for days or weeks or months or years and the whole process is terrifying and anxiety-inducing and you're reminding them how far they are away from actually getting there.

Maybe they just got bad news and are still trying to process it without being reminded of how much the world thinks that babies should be happening.

Maybe they know they can't have kids and they're trying to adopt but they aren't ready to share that with you yet.

Maybe you don't know or are forgetting how raw and vulnerable this process made you feel, and that's still just below the surface for them.

Maybe it's none of your effing business.

For the thousands of times that the question is totally innocent and elicits a giggle or an excited answer, there are a handful (and probably so many more) that send someone away in tears as a reminder that this process is not naturally on their side. If pregnant women and people with babies all around aren't a big enough reminder, the indication that your friends and family are disappointed in your process is overwhelming.

Don't make assumptions about what's next. If someone isn't coming up to you excited about a bun in the oven, you don't need to fish for more information than that. Maybe there's nothing, but the chance that you're going to nick a wound that might not ever heal is always there.

Do humanity a favor. Let them bring you information when they're ready for you to have it. If they don't, they're not ready.

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.


  1. Amen, amen and amen! Yes and yes. How many different ways can I agree with this business? I think people don't understand it or realize it. It's all about them and not about you or the person the question is being directed to. I've taken to making them feel as uncomfortable as they are making me feel. Questions like "when was the last time you had anal sex?" seems to bring it back into perspective. Don't ask me a personal question unless you're willing to take one yourself ;-).


  2. Thank you for this... Really.
    I needed it today.
    I need it everyday.

  3. Thank you for this... Really.
    I needed it today.
    I need it everyday.


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