Wednesday, June 19, 2013

I Am The Worst Friend

No. Really. 

On the scale of shit friends, I am one of the shittiest. 

I like to believe that I am always there to comfort or celebrate when appropriate, but lately, I feel like I have been none of what I want to be. 

A very close friend announced that she is pregnant. The news got to me later than most people because of my general lack of involvement in things that go on outside of my head, but I did eventually find out. 

And I immediately started sobbing on a "holy shit I can't breathe" level. 

I did this weird thing that I do where I sit on the bathroom counter and curl up in a ball and just hate the world. 

This, my friends, makes me awful. 

This particular friend and I had talked about our hesitations about embarking into parenthood and how neither of us were sure that it was a good time. We discussed the lack of control in the whole situation while being unsure what the next step was.  We both run business and call all the shots, so the idea of not being in control of much of anything was just overwhelming to us both. 

Overwhelming in that "Eh, fuck it. Let's do it anyway" way, clearly. 

I should have been celebrating with her, but instead, I was sobbing on my bathroom counter because, well, I suck. I felt like she stole my happy. I was so angry. We were supposed to do it together, or, at by least, I was supposed to be first. Why? I don't fucking know. Probably because I'm a spoiled fucking child who wants to be in control of everything and wants what she wants now now now. 

Also because marriage is hard and coordinating life with a schedule for making babies is exhausting enough even before you actually do any of the work. 

Underneath it all, I know that eventually I will be able to be the friend that I should be. It's been a week now and I almost feel capable of calling or texting her and asking her how things are going. That is a big improvement from never wanting to talk to her again. 

Why yes, I am that big of an asshole. 

I just wish I understood why I have this never ending need. Life is so good right now. Most of what I love about my life will go away in the blink of a newborn eye. 

I suppose the point is that none of this makes sense because it is all purely emotional and when are those things ever logical? The lack of logic in it is what makes it human. I am not a column of snark like I pretend to be. I do hurt a lot sometimes. I don't share that often because I like to believe myself to be something different. 

Let's be honest. I cry at Publix commercials. 

So, I'll figure this one out in just enough time for someone else to announce their good news and knock me back a step or two. That's just how it is, but it will get less hard every time. Hopefully, it will stop being difficult all together when I can make the same announcement. Maybe not. Eventually, I am going to have to accept my lack of control in this situation and just let go. 

HAH. YEAH RIGHT. Just wanted to see if I could say it with a straight face. 

As always, it's hip to be square (and an asshole), kids. 

Update: Someone did make the same announcement today, and I handled it much better. You know, for now. Being crazy makes things a little unpredictable.

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