Heart Attacks and Other Awesome Things

Okay. Heart attacks are not awesome. They aren't any kind of awesome. I've never had one, but I can assume they suck.

Yeah, yeah. I know what happens when you assume.

Anywhoozie.

I only bring up heart attacks because, as we get closer and closer to this "ready to have kids" thing, it means we're getting closer to actually HAVING kids. As stated by the modern philosopher, Juno, "Pregnancy often leads to an infant." And those are fucking LOUD.

I want to have kids. I'm ready to be pregnant tomorrow. And then I'm not. And then I am. And then I sleep in and I'm all like, "This is nice." Get used to never doing that again.

Sometimes, I feel like I forget that getting pregnant is not just an excuse to get presents and decorate a new bedroom. It's like A THING. It's like a life-changing, nothing-will-ever-be-the-same thing. Even the process of trying to conceive is life-changing. All of a sudden, you start looking at things that you might never get to do again if you have a kid to worry about. That's a lot of pressure.

Anyway, the heart attacks have subsided for the time being, and I'm not really worried right now. Some days it's all crazy meltdown city, and others are just "meh".

Whatever happens, happens.

Whatever doesn't happen will be compensated for with many fantastic pairs of shoes.

Maybe whatever doesn't happen is better. I am a big fan of shoes.

As always, it's hip to be square (and spazzy), kids.

Goodnight My Someone

I wrote this yesterday and didn't post it.

I'm getting through the day regardless how hard it is because I have to and because it's what he would want. 

But today is really hard for more than one reason.

Late last night, I found out that a friend of mine who I had not spoken to for two or three years passed away. He had been diagnosed with lung cancer recently, and it took him very quickly. 

There was no nicer person on this earth. He was giving, caring, meek and funny. He was talented and understated. He was an amazing friend. 

In this time that I should be remembering him fondly, I am so angry at myself that I can't breathe. I was not the amazing friend to him that he always was to me. I have absolutely zero regrets in life except that I did not take the time to call him when I should have.

I did not know he was sick. He had been out-of-commision previously due to a back injury that would require several surgeries to fix, but he was not sick in any way that we expected to take him from us. They said he would be fine. I got busy with other things. I got busy with life and getting married and moving on from who I was when I knew him. I didn't mean to leave him and others behind. I just meant to grow up some.

A month ago, I had a whim to call him to check in. It had been well over two years since I had last talked to him or his partner. I just missed them. A majority of the people that they interact with were friends at one point but are no longer, and I felt like an outsider so I kept away. Still, I missed him and I wanted to know how he was doing. 

I realized I didn't have his phone number anymore, and I made a mental note to get it from a mutual friend.

That note apparently got erased. 

I never called. I never checked in. I can't ever check in again. I'm so mad at myself for being so wrapped up in this new person who I wanted to be that I didn't take the time to make room for people I never wanted to leave in the past. I could have had it both ways if I just tried. But I didn't. And now I can't.

It's just going to take a long time to be okay with it if it's even possible.

Sleep sweet, friend. 

Did I Do That?

This morning, while getting ready for work, I was looking for the iPad that my husband usually keeps in the bottom drawer of his nightstand.

The room was dark because he was still sleeping, so I opened the bottom drawer quietly without realizing that he had his laptop propped up against it. The laptop fell a very short distance and was unharmed. My husband didn't move, so I assumed I got away with it. I got the iPad and went back to getting ready.

When it was time for work, I put the iPad back. My husband was still asleep. I kissed him goodbye, and he muttered something about "Love you. Drive safe."

I was almost or if the room before he said, "Come back. Wanna drop my laptop some more?"

Dammit!

Sigh. It's hip to be square (and caught red handed), kids.