I Thought Wrong

The last couple of years have been really hard. That's a given, and I've probably said it a million times.

I thought that once we got where we were going, all of the tough parts would be over. I think I expected smooth sailing. And while I intellectually knew that that probably wasn't reasonable, I never really considered that it wouldn't be all sunshine and roses. 

Yes, we got pregnant. That's a blessing that I would never give back. 

But the sun didn't just start shining again. And that has been hard to, well, not adjust to. 

When the pee stick was positive, we were elated. Then, just as soon as that happened, we went to a constantly worried place. There was terrifying spotting, which turned out to be nothing but didn't go away for the entirety of the first trimester. There were concerns about eating and drinking enough because I felt so bad. There the worries that everyone has about losing the baby or telling people too soon. I was scared of doing so many things, and constantly googling what was safe. (The answer is basically nothing.)

Almost 5 weeks ago, my sweet husband gave me a cold that hasn't gone away yet. Our genetic tests were not as stellar as we had hoped, and there are a ton more tests to follow. We have no idea how those will turn out. 

I feel weird in my own skin, and I'm so self-conscious. I don't have clothes that fit, but I'm scared to buy new ones because they're just going to have to be so big. Fertility treatments wrecked my body, and I don't even know what shape to call myself now. There is a tiny bump there but so much everywhere else. I'm not comfortable in this body. I knew I would gain weight, but I didn't know I would do it twice. I'm terrified to figure out how I will lose all of this some day. 

My husband has to have another jaw surgery, and that means two to three days in the hospital. I'm terrified of going to the hospital considering how sick a cold made me. I still can't figure out how to make that work, and I feel like a jerk for even thinking that I won't be able to be there. Oh, and then there's the actual surgery part, which is scary enough as it is. 

I was told that a baby shower was being planned, and I can't really even fathom attending a party. I've gotten shy and even more introverted than before. While I really appreciate the thought, it's kind of the last thing I want to do ever. 

And I know all of it will be worth it. These anxieties and stresses will fall by the wayside when the screaming booger eater gets here. And they'll be replaced by new ones at that time. I just have to figure out how to survive them in the mean time. I just expected a happy pregnancy because the traumatic part was over. Some days I feel just as stressed and overwhelmed. It's just different now. 

It's hip to be square (and overwhelmed!), kids. 

I Stopped Writing

Well, hello again. 

It's been a long time since I've spent time in this space. 

I didn't even check to see how long, but it's been more than a year. 

I needed a break. 

At first, I just ran out of time. I was working 2 full-time jobs, and making money was more important than my own meanderings. 

At least, that's what I told myself.

In actuality, I was tired of myself. I was tired of having an excuse to talk about my feelings because I was feeling the same the all the time. It wasn't helping to talk about it or share about it because I just wanted to be out of it. Trying to start a family wasn't fun or interesting anymore. It was heartache after heartache. It became an actual traumatic experience, and I was barely holding it together. We took some time off, and I took some time off from thinking about myself. I was thankful for work that kept me incredibly busy.

In the past eighteen months we...

...sold our house. 

...moved in with my parents. 

...said goodbye to the puppy that my husband and I picked out three months after we met.

...closed one office and opened a new one.

...welcomed a new nephew. (More on this later.)

...accepted infertility as the reality.

...started fertility treatments.

...started the two year process to repair my husband's jaw. (More on this later, also).

...walked away from one house that we were building.

...built a second house that we love.

...kind of/sort of moved in to the new house with a bed and a couch.

Oh, and finally got pregnant after four years, fertility treatments, more tears than I care to rethink, and a lot of personal growth that I don't think I asked for. 

Our lives look a lot different now then the did even a few months ago. I don't think I've stopped spinning yet. 

I promise there is much more to come.

It's still hip to be square, kids. 

Hit Hard And Often

We all know that I'm a bad person. That's a given. I mean, I'm a nice bad person, but I'm basically a bad person. Anyway, a long time ago, I decided that I couldn't handle so many happy families and families-to-be on my Facebook, so after canning it all together for a while, I went through and hid basically every single person who has babies or wants babies or has ovaries or whatever. I still love them, but I'm not a good enough person to be happy for their working ovaries.

Anyway, I got one of those requests to "like" a page from a person that I hid, and I ignored it for a while. She is one of the happy-with-a-child people who make my heart hurt, so I didn't want to pay attention to it. Curiosity got the best of me, and eventually I clicked on the link and realized it was a page to support some disease research. "Aw, man. I hope she isn't sick," I thought to myself.

So I clicked over to her page.

She isn't sick. Her baby, who was under a year old, was sick. Her sweet baby, who I was totally and uncontrollably jealous of, died a few days ago of an incurable disease. It came quickly, and she left quickly.

I could not handle it. I could not, by any stretch of the imagination, handle it. I went into instant hysterics, and I hurt for her, and I missed a child I had never met.

The world is mean, and when you're in a crazy, self-pity spiral, it's easy to forget that it's mean to everyone at some point. I can't figure out how to deal with the abundance of emotions that have sprung up from a weekend of having this on my brain. I'd happily (sort of?) keep it on my mind for a while if it could relieve some of their hurt, but I know it doesn't work like that. I haven't lost a child that I've fallen instantly in love with, but I do know what it feels like to have your life feel different in an instant. I know the feeling of heartbreak when you feel like your future will never be what you pictured. I know what it feels like to have parenthood snatched out from under you. And I know that I don't want anyone to have to feel this way because I would do anything to never feel this way.

A sweet baby is gone, her parents are struggling, and I'm the innocent bystander who may be taking it all way too much to heart. I don't know how to feel all of this correctly. I don't know how to organize this in to a way that makes sense. I don't have these skills.

I had been banking on never needing these skills.

I'm out of skills.

Today, I'm not sure that it's hip to be square.