Can You Do Me a Favor?

Have yourself a great day.

But for reals, kids.

I just wanted to leave the words that have gotten me through a tough year right here where you could get them if you needed them.

You have survived 100% of what life has thrown at you thus far. 

You are a survivor whether you realize it or not.

Keep doing that.

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.

Kidneys and Viruses and Concussions, OH MY!

It's just been a day.

Such a day.

A lot of a day.

It started with a missed phone call because I assumed it was my alarm. And then two more phone calls all from my dad.

I naturally assumed the worst and called back quickly. He didn't answer, so I called my mom. When she picked up, all she could say was, "I'mmmmm siiiiicccckkkk."

As terrible as it sounds, a sigh of relief followed. Mom being sick is usually manageable. Doc being sick can be catastrophic.

So, my in-office-get-shit-done day quickly turned in to a go-take-care-of-mom day. You would think I would be off the hook for this because my father is a doctor, but no dice. He still isn't 100% after his surgery, so he shouldn't be physically moving anyone around or taking care of them.

So, you know, off I went.

Mom had severe vertigo, which she had never had before, and was unable to stand or sit up. She was uncomfortable and scared. We didn't know if it was viral, part of her kidney disease, or the aftermath of a really good knock on the head that she took a few days ago. Either way, FUCK.

Her general practitioner phoned her in some medicine and we waited to see if it would work. It didn't. I force fed her Pedialyte and she did perk up some, but not enough for her doctor's liking. He wanted her to go for a stat CT, and he was not fucking around. We piled her in to the car and took her to the ER where we sat for a very, very long time. Luckily, we are friends with most of the ER docs, and let them know in advance what was going on. They got her in quickly, but the process still took forever.

Luckily, it seems like it was just an episode of vertigo. There was nothing on the CT to be concerned about, and her blood work came back normal. The good news was that her kidneys were actually better then than they have been in recent months. They sent her home with the diagnosis of "dizziness". GEE, THANKS, FUCK STICKS. If that's why they get paid for, someone put me on the payroll. ME CAN BE A DOCTOR 2.

It looks like she'll be fine. Fingers crossed. I'll keep you posted, anyway.

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.

Autoerotic AsphyWHAAAA????

As my readers (all 2 of you) know, my dad and I are very close and talk about really weird things. I assumed that I knew basically everything about him at this point in my life. There isn't much that is off limits. I know that he almost shot a guard when he was in Vietnam, so he stopped carrying his sidearm because he figured he was more dangerous to people he knew with it. I know that he dated a woman for 5 years when he was young, and she is still angry at him 50 years later for not marrying her. I know that his actual goal in life was to be a physicist and he had to give up on it when he couldn't pass Optics in 1957. I know that his family has a lot of bizarre and probably crazy people in it, and that he is one of them. I know that when he couldn't handle Optics, he decided to "settle" for being a doctor and then a psychiatrist. 

I did not know the following. 

We were talking about random things at lunch today, and somehow Danny Trejo came up. I said that I always get him confused with "Kung Foo Fighting" because I can never remember that actor's name. My brother pointed out that I was talking about David Carradine, and that reminded me that David Carradine died during autoerotic asphyxiation. 

When I said that, I imagined my 76-year-old father would say something along the lines of, "NOOOOO SHIT!" or "Ew. That's not a fun way to die." 

Instead, he said, "Really? People don't often die that way." 

I paused. 

"Uh. How do you know?" I asked while entirely terrified of the answer.

"Oh," he said. "I presented a paper at a national forensic sciences conference about a guy who died while attempting autoerotic strangulation. He was watching a video while he did it, so I got ahold of the video and edited it down to be presented with the paper," he said matter-of-factly. "The paper was published in some national journals, and we did a whole presentation on it during the sexual perversions part of the conference."

…WHAT THE FUCK?!

I started laughing, but I think I wanted to cry. I mean, I know I wanted to cry. In fact, I may have been crying. 

"So let me get this straight," I said to him knowing that I would regret it. "You were, at one point, an expert on autoerotic asphyxiation?"

AND MY 76 YEAR OLD FATHER SAID:

"Well, I guess I would still be considered one." 

He paused. 

"I mean, I never tried it." 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! LIKE HOW IS THIS A THING?

My father, my best friend, the person who I am most like in the whole entire fucking world is an expert on WHAT?!

I JUST CANNOT EVEN. 

You learn something new every day. AND THEN YOU STAB OUT YOUR MINDS EYE UNTIL YOU CAN'T EVEN THINK ANYMORE EVER.

What number do I dial to get a lobotomy?

It's hip to be square, kids… I think.