It's Not Your Fault.

It's late. I'm up working on freelance projects and trying to get myself organized for tomorrow. Pretty standard. Well, I'm trying to pretend it's standard. 

It's not.

My heart hurts, and I've been in and out of pools of tears since earlier this evening. 

I've talked before about how I get attached to people who I don't know. 

This is different. This is beyond that. I did feel like I knew him. I grew up watching him. I wanted him to be part of my family. I wanted him to come make me laugh. I remember knowing who he was when I was a toddler. I remember knowing that he was funny, and I remember laughing at things that I was still too young to understand. 

But I did understand.

Anyway, I'm not ready to really write all of this out because it's late and I'm tired and it's all really raw. I feel like it shouldn't be because, again, total stranger, but it is still so raw. 

So, I'm just going to leave this and probably watch it 1,000 more times over the next week or month or year. I want to scream it so loud that I know he hears it. I want to believe that he can hear everything and he understands now. I want him to know that he is worth all of our love even though he's gone.

You were always deserving. You will always be deserving. You are and will always be enough.

It's not your fault. 

I'm not sure that it's hip to be square, kids. Today, it doesn't feel like it.

Glutton For The Best Kinds of Punishment

Ok. I've been absent a lot lately. I haven't spent anytime with you silly people, and that is no bueno. I need to make more time to fill this space up with my inane and ridiculous thoughts. And I will. 

I mean, I'll try to.

I mean, I will. 

I totally will. 

Just, don't get mad if it's, like, 2 weeks before you see me again. 

I have a really good reason, I swear!

You're right. It's not a good enough reason to ignore you, but it's still a pretty damn good reason. 

Anyway, remember how I'm a crazy person? And remember how I have a job that fills up, like, 80 hours per week and we're building a house and trying to sell this house and there is just a hella lotta things going on and yeah? And remember, remember how life has been so stressful lately and I probably should be vegging out and not looking for more to keep myself busy with?

Go back to the part where we all agreed I'm crazy.

Anyway, I have opened a freelance ghost writing business called Nearly Headless Writer. 

[Side note: If you don't get the joke, we probably can't be friends.]

Anywho, I have been working through some freelance sites and getting work by just being willing to try things. I never have enough confidence in my skills, and I'm never sure that my work is good enough. The feedback has been positive, though, and I'm really enjoying it. Like REALLY enjoying it. 

Oh, and I'm getting paaaaiiiiidddddd. [Added bonus achievement unlocked.]

Even though it's more to balance, is has actually taken a huge amount of stress off of me for almost 10,000 reasons. That's a really good things.

Regardless, I probably won't be talking about it much on here because this is my word vomit place and that is my word prose place, but I wanted to share something happy with you kids for once. 

So if you're missing me, I'm probably not far away from this space on another similar space typing my little fingers off. 

Typee typee type.

Oh, and thanks for being the most supportive group a girl who has been through a huge amount could ask for. You're always there when I need to yell, and you're never missed a beat when it's time to celebrate. Whether you're next door or across the world, I really appreciate your being so close. 

And as always, it's hip to be square, kids.

My Safe Place Isn't Safe Anymore

I'm not good about facing what's bothering me. I never have been. I try to get away from it for as long as I can. The good news to that is that I have a short attention span so that by the time I get back to it, it's usually not bugging me anymore. The bad news is that it doesn't always work. I'm working on the fact that it doesn't work and trying to manage things a little more up front, but it's hard to tell a person who tries to survive on logic that voluntarily going the emotional way is the best way-- especially when it seems to work out the same a lot of times.

Anyway, in my attempt to escape a word of never-ending baby pictures and reminders of where I'm not going in life, I have set up a system that involves a few close friends who I consider safe. These are friends who aren't going to show up pregnant any day soon or bring over a bouncing bundle of snot. Friends who don't ask me when we're having kids and who aren't on a page to do it themselves. I have enveloped myself in this tiny safe world. I'm comfortable here. There isn't an emotional roller coaster. At best, it's an emotional boat ride.

…but the boat ride is like "A Small World." It's slow and isn't likely to make anyone upset, but FUCK does it get boring and WAY annoying at times. 

But I digress. 

Anyway, the tranquility of my safe world has been shattered a little. A friend mentioned in passing that another friend (also one of my safe people) was trying to get pregnant. In my safe little world, it never occurred to me that this would come up. I set this thing up so well! These were the people who have ovaries that are closed for business! Some have never even been open!

How dare people let their plans change? It's really cramping my naive style. 

My safe place just doesn't feel safe anymore. It's cracking. Soon, it will be flooded with a deluge of things for which I am not prepared. And I won't be unprepared because I didn't have enough time. I will feel abandoned and exposed because instead of facing the fact that it was getting harder to be around people and address the ever growing crack in my heart, I went farther back in. 

I have a few people in my life aside from family. A few. I had more, but they were all happy people and couldn't understand what this felt like. 

Now that I'm so far inside, I don't know how I get out without being my least favorite thing in the world: vulnerable. 

My safe place isn't safe anymore. 

And I'm not ready. 

Maybe I should have been a Doomsday prepper. They're ready for anything.

As always, it's hip to be square (and unprepared!), kids.