I don't know if I'm a feminist. Sometimes I am. Other times I'm not. I think that gender roles, though adjustable, exist for some reasons that are good, but can be totally ignored if you so please. I think that women are equal to men, but there are some things that women should do and others that men should do. I also think that as long as partners discuss these things, they should be disregarded as is fit for the family.
This is going somewhere, I assure you. And it isn't political.
When we were driving all over the lame universe (read: the American Southwest) this week, I had to book a hotel at the last minute. We had just gotten into Albuquerque (read: the worst place ever), and we were exhausted. I found a hotel on my phone, and went to book it via the Interwebz. Obviously, they needed a name to put the room under. For some reason, my mind went to my parents' relationship. The room is always booked under my dad's name even though my mother always does the travel planning. Using them as a model, I put it under my husband's name and clicked "book".
And then I got really mad at myself.
I am independent. I fight to maintain my independence. I rely on my husband for very little, not because he isn't willing to help, but because I just like to do things for myself. I felt like June Cleaver for a minute. All of a sudden, because I put a hotel room under my husband's name instead of my own, I was going to have to quit my job, start wearing aprons all the time, and scrub the house on my hands and knees daily. I felt like I set myself back half a century because I deferred to him on something.
I'm not sure why this was such a big deal, but it bugged me for the entire trip. I love my husband, but I love my independence. I took his name, but I get to keep my identity. I know this is just a minor incident that is magnified in the presence of an ongoing struggle within my own mind, but I don't know how to find the balance between independence and, well, subservience. I don't want to be in charge. I just want to be equal. I want my name to matter just as much even though I changed it to match his.
I don't want to be primarily a married woman. I want to be a kick ass, business owning, friendly, helpful, hilarious, humble woman who is also married. And some day will have babies. Some day.
I also want to know why this was such a freaking big deal. The act of booking the hotel room took a whole 30 seconds.
As always, it's hip to be square (and confused), kids.