Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Not Inconsolable

Today, I would normally be inconsolable.

But I'm not.

Today is that day that I would normally feel like my world is coming to an end after yet another unsuccessful try.

But I'm not.

Somehow, finding out that there may be a problem has released me. Maybe not entirely, but it has enough to let me feel that I don't have to hate myself today. I don't have to hate the injustices of the world today

Maybe it's because I had my freakout two days ago when I got the news. I got it all out of my system, and I'm not a ball of stress and nerves anymore.

This is still different, though.

This feels as if I'm not longer tied down by the must-make-baby-now instinct. I don't hate anything associated with this process right now. I am anxious to get it moving and get the answers that I want.
But then I'm not. There are moments when I am truly fine with just giving up and having dogs who let me sleep in on the weekends.

I just hope this lasts. I hope this feeling of my lungs being filled with fresh air stays. I don't want to go back to feeling like my life is ending with each passing day. I want to feel like this is part of my life and not my entire life like I do right now. I want to look forward to things again. I want to live in this moment for as long as possible. I just don't want to feel like that anymore. Ever.

I just want to feel like this. Breathing. Understanding. Doing more than just surviving.

As always, it's hip to be square (and chilled the eff out!), kids.

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