Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Today, I would normally be inconsolable.
But I'm not.
Today is that day that I would normally feel like my world is coming to an end after yet another unsuccessful try.
But I'm not.
Somehow, finding out that there may be a problem has released me. Maybe not entirely, but it has enough to let me feel that I don't have to hate myself today. I don't have to hate the injustices of the world today
Maybe it's because I had my freakout two days ago when I got the news. I got it all out of my system, and I'm not a ball of stress and nerves anymore.
This is still different, though.
This feels as if I'm not longer tied down by the must-make-baby-now instinct. I don't hate anything associated with this process right now. I am anxious to get it moving and get the answers that I want.
But then I'm not. There are moments when I am truly fine with just giving up and having dogs who let me sleep in on the weekends.
I just hope this lasts. I hope this feeling of my lungs being filled with fresh air stays. I don't want to go back to feeling like my life is ending with each passing day. I want to feel like this is part of my life and not my entire life like I do right now. I want to look forward to things again. I want to live in this moment for as long as possible. I just don't want to feel like that anymore. Ever.
I just want to feel like this. Breathing. Understanding. Doing more than just surviving.
As always, it's hip to be square (and chilled the eff out!), kids.
Posted by Maternal Damnation at 10:00 AM
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