This week has been really hard. I'm getting overwhelmed by this whole process. We've barely started, but I am having so much trouble enjoying the "fun part" of conception because I'm so obsessed with the outcome. The idea of waiting months or years for the anticipated outcome is making me nervous. I'm putting pressure on a "What if" situation, and I walk around all day feeling like I'm going to explode.
Right now, my heart is pounding. Actually, you know what? My heart pounds ALL.THE.TIME. There is nothing wrong with my heart. It's my head that's the problem. It's the pressure that I'm putting on this situation because I'm impatient. The fact that this is something that happens to my body but I cannot be in control of it is going to make me hyperventilate. There are too many variables. There are too many possible timelines. Part of me just wants to forgo makin' a baby all together just because I feel like I'm going to crack under the pressure.
The sick part is that the only one who is putting pressure on me is me. No one else. Husband is on board for whatever. Family expects nothing right now. Friends still think that I think kids are stupid. They're still right, but I just want a stupid thing that is all mine that I can screw up just like my parents did me.
I feel like I'm going to give myself a panic attack over a situation that I know I am creating. I just want to turn off the obsessive thoughts about when and why, but I feel like my maternal instinct refuses to hit the snooze button. I want to coach myself on how to relax, but I refuse to listen to the voice in my head.
I've been throwing myself into work so I have something else to think about. I'm constantly browsing stores that I love online or watching mindless tv so I don't think about it. I know that this is never going to work out if I keep this so intense. I want to enjoy that time with my husband and not worry that we're doing it at the right time or with the correct motivation. He's my flipping husband.
Right now, I just want to burst in to tears. I'm obsessing. I'm on the verge of making myself crazy.
Now I know why mothers scream at their children. If this is what it's like before the little bundle of stupid is even a twinkle, I can't imagine actually putting up with it.
But, even when it's stressful, it's hip to be square, kids.