Thursday, June 14, 2012

Passcodes and Provocation

I have no proof for this, but I think dating and marriage might have been easier before the Internet. It certainly was easier before the Internet was available at any time and from any location.

Let me rephrase. I think that staying in a relationship was easier before pocket-sized phones for everyone that act as everyone's personal Fort Knox.

Cell phones are a bastion of baby mama drama. Patients ask me all the time if it's okay to check their spouse or significant other's phone. Sometimes they are upset that their other half wants to check theirs. My answer is complicated, and I can only frame it in the  context of my own relationship.

My husband and I both lock our phones. He doesn't like it when people he work with (who clearly have no boundaries) go through his phone. I prefer for my phone to stay locked. We both have access to each other's passcodes, and we can get in at any time. I'm more than welcome to answer his phone or go through it for a contact or a picture. He can't really answer mine because it's usually work-related, but he can check whatever he wants. 

That being said, we don't. 

I'll use his phone if mine is dead, and he may text my family from my phone, but we don't do much more than that. His is his and mine is mine. I can't say that I've never wanted to go through his text messages and check what he's up to, but I refrain. Sometimes it's hard, but I walk away.

The principle is simple: If I have to go through his phone to be sure that I can trust him, then the problem is not the phone. We are having trust issues, and we need to work on them. I am a strong woman who is full of all sorts of wonky insecurities. I am secure in my marriage, but I'm sometimes insecure in the workings of the universe. I trust my husband more than just about anyone in this world. I don't doubt my trust in him for a second, but I do sometimes doubt myself. It's easy to get flooded with what-ifs and want to reach across the bed and grab his phone for reassurance. It's harder to ignore the urge. If I feel like I need to check his phone, then the information on the phone isn't going to change anything. We need to go back to figure out what is making me feel like that. 

If I said that I had never checked his phone, I'd be lying. I'm proud to say though that I haven't in a very long time, and I now have the security in our relationship to avoid it. I appreciate that. We are in a good place. A really good place. 

Funny story: While still in the planning stages, I was working with Sam (The Manny) on this very blog. For reasons I don't even recall anymore, he is in my phone as Love Machine. We were using iChat, but he got disconnected, so he shot me a text to let me know that he would be back soon. My phone was actually on the couch with my husband. He turned to me with a very confused look on his face "Uh. Who's Love Machine?" I laughed and explained. And then told Sam that he might be getting beat up very shortly. He ran for cover. 

Anywho, the moral of the story is that if you have to request proof that your loved one is being honest, then the proof is irrelevant and probably won't satisfy the real issues. Figure out why you need it and decide if you think that need will ever go away. Then go from there.

That's my unsolicited advice for the day.

As always, it hip to be square, kids. 

No comments:

Post a Comment

Popular Posts