Monday, August 20, 2012

Stupid Gluten

I am gluten free.

I say that not as a proclamation of my moral superiority because my diet is all holier-than-thou, but more like as an affirmation that the universe is a flippin' cruel place that likes to laugh at me regularly.

Yes, I understand that there are children in Africa who would be more than happy to eat whatever food they were given, and I should be thankful that I have food period. I am very thankful. I just also think that this is majorly effed up. 

I. Love. Bread.

Seriously. It's a good thing I went gluten free before getting married because otherwise, I would have just married bread. I used to eat toast for dinner. I would go to restaurants and eat so much bread that I never wanted my meal. Bread and butter is, like, the best thing ever. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I ordered a turkey club just about everywhere that I went. It was my go-to meal. 

I miss sandwiches.

Yes, there are gluten free breads, and I eat them, but it isn't the same. It's like this mediocre middle ground between delicious, fluffy sub rolls and no bread at all. The good ones are edible. The bad ones are TERRIBLE. 

It's lame.

Anyway, the point is that I have been gluten free for almost a year and a half. In that time, my life has changed drastically. I used to suffer from terrible migraines every. single. day. I went 6 months with a migraine that didn't stop. Every minute of every day, I was in pain. I struggled and muddled through. I went to doctors, and they gave me medicine that didn't work or, worse, took my last little shred of functionality and threw it out the window. No one knew what was wrong. I went for MRIs and blood tests. On paper (and pictures), I was fine. I wondered if I losing it.

This begs that question if I ever had it to begin with. But I digress...

One day, I just had this moment of brilliance. "What if it's that hippie gluten shit that I keep hearing about?" I had no idea what gluten was, but I knew people stopped eating it and it fixed things. 

Within 24 hours, I was 50% better. Within a month, I had finally gotten a hang of my new eating habits, and was 100% better.

That being said, I still freaking miss bread. And cookies. And brownies. And cupcakes. 

Every 6 months or so, I get fed up of it and go on an all out gluten binge. I don't think I could ever be an alcoholic, but I could be a gluten-aholic. I know how much trouble I'm going to be in when I eat it, but sometimes, I just can't say no. 

My gluten free life is so much more productive. I have less anxiety. I don't feel in a fog. I am almost never nauseous (which was perpetual before) and I very rarely get heartburn (also constant prior). And the headaches are gone. Hallelujah, the headaches are gone!

This in no way makes me a healthy eater. Oh hells no. My diet is better, but I have a long way to go before proclaiming that I eat well. I'm still trying to work out the bugs of having most of the things that I love taken out of my diet. That will be a long process. Eventually, I'll work harder at eating green things. In the meantime, though, I'd really flipping love a brownie.

As always, it's hip to be square (and gluten free!), kids.

1 comment:

  1. I feel your pain. I was a baker in Memphis. Breads, cakes, pastry, pies..... sigh. Then, through a diagnosis that started w/my daughter and backtracked up the family tree to my mother's side of the family tree, we all found out that gluten intolerance runs in the family. Namaste products suck ass. Udi's is a little better. Still, I regularly cheat with a dozen Krispy Kremes to keep from going insane!


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