Friday, January 17, 2014

Not What I Expected

I haven't written about babymaking in a while. Maybe it's because there is nothing new to talk about. Maybe it's because this whole process is way too emotional. I don't think I expected it to be this heart wrenching and difficult when I started this blog. 

I feel that I've gotten somewhat off-track for my original intent of this Internet space, but in the process things happen that I didn't expect, and that's taking up a whole lot more of my time. By diving into this blog, I not only found a place to express my frustrations, but I made some incredible friends in the process. The friendships have taken precedence over the actual writing. I'm slightly disappointed that I haven't made a bigger effort of turning my blog into something, but if I have to sacrifice the writing for these incredible people, I'm totally okay with it.

If you told me a few years ago that I would develop really close friends from this anonymous blog, I would've believed you. In theory, no one knows who I am, so how can we develop meaningful friendships if I'm inherently lying to them about something. The truth of the matter is, the anonymity makes me more honest. Being able to hide behind a persona means that I'm not quite as worried about saying the things I actually think, and I'm not as worried as what people think about me because they don't have a face to attribute it to. If people are okay with the snarky, asinine, ridiculous things that I spout off here and still want to talk to me afterward, then they're probably good people anyway. There's this moment that I've had with most of the snark-tastic a-holes who I've met along this journey where I realize they know me better than most people who I've met in person, and I start to feel comfortable actually introducing myself. It's almost like a friendship trial period. I get to hide behind this silly Twitter  and URL while saying some truly ridiculous things on this blog. 

In other ways, this space has brought me close to people who I knew prior to its existence. Some were real friends (who I may not have talked to in a while) who have whole-heartedly supported this process since the beginning. I'm never vulnerable in front of my friends. I'm pretty much set on snarky all the time. The anonymity has helped me even with those people who know I am. I feel like they get to see a side of me that they never get to see, and that makes a big difference what they're willing to confide in me.

All in all, the things that I got out of this silly blog is totally different than my original intent. I thought it would get people to just listen to me, have thousands of readers, and become Internet famous. Well, I don't think I'm close to any of that, but the support is so incredible that I can't feel disappointed. I'd still love to have all those things. I'd still love to have my blog widely read and options for the tiniest bit of extra cash. Free stuff would be nifty, but none of that really matters. Okay. That might not entirely true. I'd be way happier with my progress on this space if I had those things to show, but those things aren't going to be there at 3 o'clock in the morning when I feel like an having an existential crisis. These crazy ladies that I've met, who supported me through more than a lot of people I've met in real life, will be just a text away. And that's a big goddamn deal. 

And yes, the baby-making continues. I've lost my optimism in about the process. We trudge through and hope for good news, while expecting nothing at all. As much as that sounds miserable, it's really not. We've got other stuff going on that keeps us busy and occupied, and this is just another element of our day-to-day. 

And when it gets overwhelming, I have some kick ass pals to lean on. 

As always, it's hip to be square, kids.


  1. I understand the absolute loss of optimism. It is almost as soul-crushing as the once a month reminder that life isn't fucking fair. I had lost all optimism right before we went to the infertility docs. And I wish I could say that I got my optimism back, but that would be a lie....what I do have is answers I don't like. Yet, my hubby and I trudge through....with another bottle of really cheap but good wine.


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