Saturday, April 12, 2014

New Normal

I don't spend that much time sad or angry anymore.

It has gotten a lot better in the last few weeks. I think I'm just too busy to spend any time getting upset over things that I'm not in control of, and that is a blessing beyond my comprehension. It's just time to get used to these new words and new things and new idea of the future. I can't be controlled by it anymore.

The only time I really struggle exists entirely in my mind because it hasn't happened yet and very well might never happen.

I just have this image of running in to a friend or loved one and getting asked that question that I dread every moment of my life. It's in my nature to be honest, but I have kept this so private and hidden. As far as my friends and family no, I have no interest in children any time soon. I was hoping it would just be a happy surprise for them.

I'm sure I'll go back to the answer that I have been giving for three years now. I'll tell them that puppies are way easier than kids because you can put puppies in boxes when you leave the house and no one gets angry at you. I never actually answer the question. I don't have it. It's none of their business.

I just know that eventually someone is going to ask at the wrong or unplanned moment and I won't be able to continue my normal assholistic, self-serving, kids-are-lame attitude for a fleeting moment. I don't want to answer questions. I don't want sympathetic glances. I don't want people to grab my hand or hug me.

So that moment? The thought of that moment that might never happen? That still brings the tears and the anxiety because I just don't want it. I can live my normal life now without all of the ups and downs. I just can't imagine surviving that moment even one more time.

And it will happen. And I will survive it. And I'll die a little more inside every time I think about how the goings-on of my ovaries are none of your business, compassionate acquaintance or even good friend.

But to answer the question you didn't ask, Internet, that's what I'm still struggling with at this moment.

It's hip to be square, kids.

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