Passcodes and Provocation

I have no proof for this, but I think dating and marriage might have been easier before the Internet. It certainly was easier before the Internet was available at any time and from any location.

Let me rephrase. I think that staying in a relationship was easier before pocket-sized phones for everyone that act as everyone's personal Fort Knox.

Cell phones are a bastion of baby mama drama. Patients ask me all the time if it's okay to check their spouse or significant other's phone. Sometimes they are upset that their other half wants to check theirs. My answer is complicated, and I can only frame it in the  context of my own relationship.

My husband and I both lock our phones. He doesn't like it when people he work with (who clearly have no boundaries) go through his phone. I prefer for my phone to stay locked. We both have access to each other's passcodes, and we can get in at any time. I'm more than welcome to answer his phone or go through it for a contact or a picture. He can't really answer mine because it's usually work-related, but he can check whatever he wants. 

That being said, we don't. 

I'll use his phone if mine is dead, and he may text my family from my phone, but we don't do much more than that. His is his and mine is mine. I can't say that I've never wanted to go through his text messages and check what he's up to, but I refrain. Sometimes it's hard, but I walk away.

The principle is simple: If I have to go through his phone to be sure that I can trust him, then the problem is not the phone. We are having trust issues, and we need to work on them. I am a strong woman who is full of all sorts of wonky insecurities. I am secure in my marriage, but I'm sometimes insecure in the workings of the universe. I trust my husband more than just about anyone in this world. I don't doubt my trust in him for a second, but I do sometimes doubt myself. It's easy to get flooded with what-ifs and want to reach across the bed and grab his phone for reassurance. It's harder to ignore the urge. If I feel like I need to check his phone, then the information on the phone isn't going to change anything. We need to go back to figure out what is making me feel like that. 

If I said that I had never checked his phone, I'd be lying. I'm proud to say though that I haven't in a very long time, and I now have the security in our relationship to avoid it. I appreciate that. We are in a good place. A really good place. 

Funny story: While still in the planning stages, I was working with Sam (The Manny) on this very blog. For reasons I don't even recall anymore, he is in my phone as Love Machine. We were using iChat, but he got disconnected, so he shot me a text to let me know that he would be back soon. My phone was actually on the couch with my husband. He turned to me with a very confused look on his face "Uh. Who's Love Machine?" I laughed and explained. And then told Sam that he might be getting beat up very shortly. He ran for cover. 

Anywho, the moral of the story is that if you have to request proof that your loved one is being honest, then the proof is irrelevant and probably won't satisfy the real issues. Figure out why you need it and decide if you think that need will ever go away. Then go from there.

That's my unsolicited advice for the day.

As always, it hip to be square, kids. 

Be kind, rewind. And don't be a douche.

The best thing that I have gotten out of this whole blogging experience is a network of like-minded and totally sassy lady bloggers who have reinvigorated my hope for the females of our species. Many of them have children, but they also have senses of humor. Their kids are their world, but they still have, like, other ish going on. They have a sense of identity that isn't all wrapped up in the younglings. I know that I have no idea what it is like to be completely responsible for someone else, but I do know that I have watched many a woman lose themselves in the idea that once you are a mother, you are that and only that. 

EEEH! WRONG. 

My Twitter friend Amy (@SelfishMom) over at SelfishMom.com wrote a post today that really reminded me how much kids are going to mean to me someday, but also how much I want to remain a woman who is a mother and not a parent who happens to have lady parts and who uses them to add more protoplasm to the human race. Just becuase you have kids doesn't mean that everyone else in the world ceases to exist. In fact, having kids means you should probably shoot for being more considerate because there are tiny sponges who follow you around and watch every damn thing you do. Kids think that adults can do whatever they want. The child mind assumes that if a parents does it, all adults do it. That means that when they're adults, they can be rude, inconscientious, self-centered and a whole host of other not-good things that they could be learning from your (possibly accidental) example. Furthermore, it makes them think that what they are learning about sharing and being nice to other now is just a placeholder for how they get to act once they are "all grown up". 

I'm not a mother, but I am a child and adolescent counselor. Kids do what their parents do. What do you want your kids to do?

Read Amy's experience here: DEAR PARENTS: IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOUR KID. SINCERELY, THE REST OF THE WORLD

And, as always, it's hip to be square (and kind), kids.

Friends don't let friend use stupid fonts

What Comic Sans says about you.

Comic Sans says that you might still be rocking a mid-90s Gateway running Windows 95 and taking your instructions from a dancing paperclip in the corner of the screen. Wait. I could be wrong. The sophisticated user knew that the paperclip could be changed into Albert Einstein with just a few clicks. And who wouldn't take guidance from him?

Comic Sans says your grandchild bought you your first computer and set you up with the GeeMail. 

Comic Sans says that all of your emails start with FWD: FWD: FWD.

Comic Sans says that you're 12 and you've learned that Comic Sans in 12-point font is, like, twice the size of Times New Roman of the same point value, and, thus, you only have to copy half as much information from Wikipedia for your term paper on manatees. 

Comic Sans says that you are a rowdy individual with a penchant for whimsy. 

No it doesn't.

Comic Sans in a business email says that you started work before computers were "a thing".

Comic Sans says that you still take the time to look at fonts. People haven't done that since before we were involved in 8 or 10 unpopular wars. 

Comic Sans says that you still refer to it as a mimeograph. 

Comic Sans says that you know the Biebs gets, like, a bazillion tweets, so you think sending a letter to his grandmother is, like, a way more effective way of getting to him. 

As a society, we are so far beyond Comic Sans. You can do better. You don't need fancy fonts. You just need someone to proofread your work. When all else fails, go Times New Roman. You really can't go wrong with Times New Roman. 

R.I.P. Paperclip

Even the Einstein would tell you that it's hip to be square, kids.